adjective; having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent
Isn't it such a blah way to describe oneself? But here's me in a nutshell these days. Not that I don't make great efforts every day to FIND something to strike my fancy, perk me up, pick me up.... but there isn't anywhere within reach at the moment to offer any comfort. Work. Home. both places I don't really enjoy being right now. Both places surrounded and filled up by insincerity and confusion.
It's odd when some relationships end you feel a little lost and eventually move on, and then in some you feel gutted. royally screwed. endlessly bitter. And then some just leave you feeling...for lack of less-cliche wording--wounded--not mortally and nothing catastrophic. but just enough to take your breath away a little and knock you off balance. and the amount of hurt surprises you with intensity. just enough that you have a little smidge of fear lurking in your mind whispering "look now. everything could fall apart if you just let go. look how careless you were with your feelings. look how clumsy"
And then some jobs seem promising. They start out really well and the little red flags that popped up from time to time were nothing to sniff at. Easy to get over and forget. Then one day a big fire-engine red one jumps into your face and you think "what the hell have I gotten myself into this time?"
For shits and giggles, lets toss into the equation that your house is quite literally falling apart. One cracked wall here, one sunken floorboard there, and oh, notice the ceiling in the guest room....or that stomach-sinking soft spot in the roof that you notice while cleaning the gutters.
All of it put together looks like a big kings chair. And you can't help but just sit in it and think...where do I begin now. Where do I start to work to make things better.
I'm sitting. And all I have here is this little miniature chisel--to craft something beautiful out of this heavy thing....
